kaeya's blog

I have this thing when i speak i could carve a wound till it won't healing, it's too hurting even haunter won't hunting. I was asking my mind with your death dancing from the corner of my eyes, why you learn ballet if it's not belong to you? your so bad at it though. You worry to dance back at me for the glory of my sins, cause they told me, i'm clean. It's too heavy to you to even thinking to act cruel to me while your dancing is learning my forgiving, so please just stand there if you won't ruining my priority. I know my lead can't be accepting, fighting to break the dancing but failing, why you run at me when i told you to just stand there? you willing my desire to crush everything, pass over my beloving heart and fighting back. "So pathetic, they would regret" they said. We look so hating inside, hunting each other's cell just to know who could we blame till our last nerve. But it's me, who could teach every move to your life, just ...

It's ironic, how to make the world just for us and how to stop the time everytime we met. My body feels like a perfect puzzle if it's just you & me, your hand can touch me everywhere you want, your eyes can stares at me for every inch of me, your mouth can talk everything u feel, even if the world hates you. Bet i truly could hanging to the cliff and swim to the river just to find your lost buttons shirt. I love you, that could ruining my life with a pure blood that came from my heart, but one thing i couldn't stand that could blurry my vision to dark, when there is someone else with us. you turned me to a toxic lovers that obsessed with their partner, the way you act to me it's not the same anymore, you made me wonder and slowly eat my mind alone in a crowded place. What's makes you like this? am i not that important? am i not that pretty? am i too dramatic? am i an ashamed thing? am i? am i? am i? i'm down deep with your warm smile to them, i didn't li...

 Poetry, so classic, beautiful pain relief for someone with a cruel life happened to them. I personally choose poetry as my diary, write down word by word, sentence by sentence just to tell my notes, tell my fingers what actually i felt so far. It's just for me at first, as reminder for me that i can actually past the worst moment in my life or for good, the best moment ever happened. If i feel the world is not fair, i would write that down or if i fell in love i would write that too. It's work for me with my sensitive feelings i need my apologies just wrap in my poetry so i can forgive everyone who hurt me once time in their life. The longer i wrote poetry, i want this feelings to explain every word i wrote and tell them the story behind it and i did. It's just like express feelings but in art and majestic words you know, i'm happy about it. The only one who made me love poetry is Taylor Swift, i know she's a singer but the best thing about her she can made poetry ...

The best skill i did this year is making chocolate cookies, once a month i made cookies with my best friend who already expert to this thing. She teach me the recipe and how to do it step by step it's quite easy, all you need such as, sugar, brown sugar, butter, chocolate, flour and egg then, you just need to mix it all until the dough is not too sticky, after that, you just put it in an oven with a temperature of 200 degrees for about 15 minutes and you have cookies at home with a soft texture and melted chocolate in your mouth! . I personally don't like my cookies if it's too sweet so i adjust the sugar according to my taste, so i can eat it without a throat problem. Today i decided to make chocolate cookies by my self also to spend my leftovers ingredients, at first step i quite confident to do it but after i check to the dough it's too oily and i realize i put too much butter in it but i'm just add more flour carefully and i think the dough is fine now. After i ...

 I already tell ya that 2 month later i would be in college and being an english literature student, i leave my hometown take everything i need and live in my boarding house. I never experience this kind of situation because i used to school near of my hometown i didn't go anywhere since i was a kid. So it's kinda hard for me to think that what would happen to me when i finally leave this house, i'm scared of everything. It haunts me lately because i start over thinking of situation i will face, i'm scared of being alone and don't have a friend. It's my nightmare, bacause i'm an introvert person and have a social anxiety it's hard for me to having a relationship with a stranger. Actually for now i have this new student group chat and i know them for now but, i'm just scared what if when we already in collage and i didn't  fill their expectation? maybe they would leave me, it's ok if it's happen i'm just gonna breath and continue my li...

Me & my self can go out of control sometimes, as a 18 years old with a parents issue i feel like my emotions is not perfect yet. There is something wall between me and my feelings if something happened that i cannot accept and the upset feelings crawl from my upside to my upper body, blind me of what i already have. Well, the reason maybe i'm still young so that my machine processor is not perfect yet, or maybe every person has their own traumatic moment to reach that feelings. I believe habits influence person how they would react to a problem, for example if someone with a fulltime job and get tired of it, missing nap or want to rest but can not because of their job, if this person doing a moment like pray to god or being a grateful maybe they just do it and so thankful for themself so they can reach this level. My habits is not like a billionaire routine, i'm a teenager, i do cry on my night skincare routine, i do mad for someone but still can't along with it, i do f...